PyxieNET

Why is it when things seem to be going on the right track, that it all fucks up again?

Wednesdays have never been my favourite day. Theres the 7am bus, I’m always at work, theres nothing ever on tv, oh – and JR magically loses phone service. Every Wednesday.
Its like the mid week blues, knowing that I’ve still got another 3 days of the working week left.

How un-fun are UCAS forms? Seriously. One hour later and I’m still not closer to even half filling it in. I need my GCSE certificates to find out the Governing body for each exam taken, and can I find these babies? Can I hellaslike. I’ve not even begun to write my personal statement.

Hi, I’m Emily – A kind, caring, fun loving Wednesday hater. Please accept me into your education establishment…

I really am beginning to just totally give up on people. I’m sure that working in customer services and speaking to absolute morons all day is affecting my judgement. Until now. Suddenly, I’ve woken up, smelt the coffee and have realised there are certain people I just dont need in my life. Unfortunately I can’t cut them out completely; being office bound. But I feel so much better in myself for not socialising with one person. And I am sure that a am a nicer person because of it. The rosetinted glasses are gone, and I can see that some people are just nasty. I don’t want to be associated with somebody like that, or tarred with the same brush.
You keep to your bitchy comments to make yourself feel better and I’l stick with my optimism. Not optimistic about Wednesdays, mind you.

Our birthday week is over. My week off is over.
The week was far too busy and too much travelling but it was enjoyable none the less. My next week off, actually week and a half – will be spent doing not a great deal. I really want to go abroad. A weekend away is on the cards, but I am wondering if someone will act on it. I have not intended for this to be a long post, more of a picture post. Well, one picture.
I am going through photos on my phone and putting them on my laptop, and this one jumped out. I love JR and wanted to show it.
I have some more recent ones on my shiny new birthday camera and I will upload them to flicker and blog a few when I am not feeling so depressed about going back to work tomorrow.

Hello. My name is Emily; I’m 22 years old.

Monday was my birthday. To celebrate I have a week off work and more importantly a week with my beau. Long awaited. 22 is not a milestone, so it was a fairly ordinary birthday. There wasn’t many suprises, being as my family are so disorganised and JR gave me most of my presents early. Early for good reason though. He bought me a new camera which I proudly showed off during my first ever anfield visit.
Last weekend we took the train over to Liverpool. I’d picked up some tickets a few weeks ago, to a pre-season friendly. I managed to fit in some shopping, before traditonal fish and chips and pre game jitters.
I had never been to what I call a ‘proper’ match before. Somehow I don’t think Cosford Sunday League can really count a ‘proper’. I’d been to a few ‘proper’ Rugby games in NZ, and there isn’t much difference. I enjoyed the atmosphere, got a program and sat paitently waiting for the game start. As usual we arrived early. Thats never my doing. JR is always early. I won’t go into great detail about the game, simply because I am not a sports journalist and it wouldn’t make for good reading; my makeshift football terms.
Liverpool lost.

This week of leave has been incredibly busy. Its only wednesday and we’ve (I say we’ve, but I mean JR really) clocked up over 500 miles. I visited my family in Norfolk for two days. Namely my Dad, Auntie and Nanna. We managed to cram most visits in on tuesday. I took JR to ‘The Waffle House’. A norwich traditon – I’m quite shocked I haven’t been there before with him. The most simplest of foods but delicious! It was nice to see my Dad. Everyone says how well he is doing, and really he is. “Should have been dead last year” he tells an old friend. Where do you place yourself when somebody says that? I found my self awkward. Tried to laugh it off, but I really don’t find it funny. And I don’t think Rueben did either.
I can still see how tired he looks. I can see how his eyelashes have grown back but are now white in colour. He looks old to me, well – but tired.
Theres one part of the lunch that is playing on my mind. My dads wife is telling me how annoyed she gets with him for not talking to the Doctor, for not asking every tiny detail. “If it was me, I’d want to know. I couldn’t just get on with it”. I can hear myself agreeing, telling her how I would want to know, I couldn’t not find out. What a blatent lie. I don’t want to know anything now, let alone if it was me. I’m one for just burying my head. Really, I’d rather not know. At all.

I can always count on my Nanna (in Norwich) for a good laugh. She’s terribly blunt. And everything a Nanna should be. Funny, round, cuddly, cackle, old fashioned, and her broad Norfolk accent make her my Nanna in Norwich. I don’t think anything could have prepared me for this latest trip to Heartsease. Mid conversation, and she asks “If I give you this ring, you won’t sell it will you?”. Yes Nanna, I often sell all my family ‘heirlooms’, so to say. “No” I answer in defiance. So off she whips her mothers wedding ring from around her neck and passes it to me. It has been on a chain for ever I can remember, along with another ring and a sovereign. It is the most heaviest ring I have ever felt and has done good in its 86 years. I am a little shocked that it is a perfect fit. I had to order my 21st birthday present ring in specifically because of my long boney ‘piano fingers’. This was nothing I expected out of this visit. I think that my Nanna is worried she will lose it. Her sovereign fell off her necklace a few weeks ago and I think its panicked her, why now after however many years shes had the ring I don’t know. Now I am the one that has to worry about it. I have been wearing but it is quite a chunky ring and really weighs my finger down. I need to find a safe place, and I’m thinking that a jewellery box is going to be the best place. Seeing as, I definately can’t sell it! (I’m joking – just to clarify).
So yes I now own a ring of someone I have never met, and until yesterday didn’t even know her name. Ada. I think its beautiful. I really should take an interest in my family history.

I don’t know what I’d do if it wasn’t for John Mayer. His music cheers me up no end and can lift any mood in the space of 4 minutes 32 seconds. Clarity.

“It’s not a silly little moment
It’s not the storm before the calm
This is the deep and dyin breath of
This love that we’ve been workin on”

A week of tears almost drew to a close on Friday. Almost. I could hardly contain my excitement during work. I felt sick with nerves all day, knowing that this was it. I’m not sure that I deserved it but JR did give me a second chance. Mind you, he didn’t make it easy. And I don’t think I was the best with words. Give me wordpress anyday and I’ll type it out to you. But actually speak? Tell you how I feel? That’s not so easy. I’m trying not to be such a closed book. Trying.

The weekend was perfect. I had booked a hotel so that we could actually spend some time alone, together. A heart to heart just isn’t the same with your 6 year old brother running in naked every half hour.
The Lion Quays hotel was gorgeous. I’m ever so upset that we didn’t actually get to use the spa facilities. Snow room, Hello?
The evening was spent with a gorgeous meal in the hotel restaurant, and then a walk down by the canal. On a happier occasion I probably would have been snap happy and be able to document this moment. This is where the talking came in, and I’ve already said I don’t really think this went as well as it could have. I had so much to say, and I’d been practising what I needed to say but when it came down to it; Nothing. It was then that I was given a cuddle that I longed for. JR gives me the best cuddles ever. I love the fact that hes so ‘manly’ and has his big muscled arms to wrap around me. Hold me tight. I feel so protected in those arms. I can’t ever imagine not being cuddled by him again.

Naturally, JR pointed out that I had to ask him back out. The words tumbled out and thank god he said Yes.

The rest of the evening consisted of more alcohol, laughs with an older couple at the bar, room service and lots more cuddles. I’ve never felt happier.

Its been over a week since and all though I don’t want to jump the gun, I’d say things are going pretty well. I think we’ve both realised what needs to change, and that things need to change from both sides. I think this week will be a real test because it is the first time since all this happened of being ‘properly’ apart, as JR is now back at his base. Secondly it will be two weeks until I see him again, and thirdly I have a night out next weekend with my friends. I think I was very well behaved when he went out on Friday. No arsey texts and no arguments. To be honest it was a lot nicer. I can’t deny I didn’t worry though. However, I think a new approach is needed. I’m helpless to stop anything from happening, so I might as well go with it and stop worrying. My worrying wont change anything, if anything it just makes me feel worse. A friend once explained this to me and now its crystal clear.

A miracle has happened at work. I am moving to a new team that actually has a half decent manager. Although not for the next three weeks as she is in training and I have the biggest jobsworth ever covering her. But there is light at the end of those three weeks. Not to mention my birthday. Lets hope 22 is better than 21. Hand on my heart I can say the only good thing about my birthday last year was JR. We were in Turkey having a fantastic time, and he got me gorgeous presents. I can’t really say that anyone else put the effort in. But hey.
So no more Jeckyl and Hyde manager for me. All I need now is for the centre manager to retire and my job might be that little bit bearable. I know I say it all the time but I really would like a new job. Something totally different and as far away from an office as possible. The question is what?

I have an unlimited cineworld card, as does JR, my best friend and now quite a few of our other friends. So we are all total film buffs. I go to the cinema at least once a week. I don’t think I’d go as often if I didn’t have one of these cards but I’ve seen some great films I probably wouldn’t have made the effort to see and equally some shit ones. I don’t like swearing in here but ‘Year One’, seriously?
I think one film worth a mention though is ‘My Sisters Keeper’. A film quite close to my heart really. I never talk about this, and I know it really gets to JR. So its on the to-do list. Although not exactly the same the film was about cancer; or as my dad likes to refer to it the ‘Big C’. He tries to joke about it. But I know hes scared. Probably as scared as I am but I never tell anyone. He has down days, and I feel so guilty on these days because I just can’t speak to him. We speak regularly on the phone, but when these days appear I just don’t know what to say. I don’t want to think about the inevitable. I avoid talking about it. I skim the subject, or interject with something completely irrelvant. This is something I have no idea how to deal with. I hate it, absolutely hate it when people at work ask me how he is. As I’ve already said, I never talk about it. Ever. So I’m not really sure how people even know. I have to pretend everything is ok. “Ah ya know, hes getting on okay. New treatment”. Not only does this make everything swirl about in my mind and have me worrying for the rest of that day. Truth is I don’t actually know a great deal about it. I feel like the worst daughter ever. I’m scared, truely and utterly scared.
He’s an only child. My Nanna dotes on him. I don’t think I could watch her lose him anymore than I could lose him myself. All those things I took for granted like him being there at my wedding, or being a grandad – may never happen. The thought of losing him and not even getting a chance to say goodbye is the worst feeling ever.
Anyway going back to the film. It was a film full of highs and lows and I don’t think there was one dry eye in the cinema. I honestly just wanted to cry my eyes out, but I don’t think that socially acceptable. On going to the cinema I didn’t really have clue what the film was about. Hello Cancer.
To make matters worse JR knew what it was about and wanted to watch it with me, which is really sweet. But I didn’t know this until after I’d seen it with my friend Kim. So JR and I bought the book together instead and now I’m reading that.

I’m fucking gutted. So much so I can’t even begin to type the words, because somehow that would make it all seem real. So instead I’ve spent £75 on MAC make up. Way to cheer myself up. NOT.

I changed my mind.
This is not going to be beauty log. I love it waaaay too much. From starting a beauty blog elsewhere I realised how much I like to write. Keeping it strictly beauty was hard. So voila. I’m back. I’ll be honest and say its unlikely to be everyday. But effort is required.

Im playing around with a theme at the moment. One that I really like – Never before have I had a three column. I think I could learn to love.
Right now its very plain. Too much html/php has made me tired and I have no inspiration for an image – but I will get there. Something minimal but something me.
I found a gorgeous photo log yesterday, This guy lives in Hawaii and takes the most beautiful photographs of people. It makes me want to go just for a photoshoot. And I’m sure Hawaii itself would be an added bonus.

So my laptop is on probation. It worked perfectly the last time I used it. Sims 3 loaded and I was sucked in straight away. That game is so addictive. Although most of the time I end up creating a house, the perfect family, decorate and then don’t actually ‘play’ for long. Back to the laptop. I hope it was just a glitch to start with – I did some windows updates which either caused or cured the problems. But so far so good. The one thing that annoyed me the most is that a family friend ordered exactly the same laptop but got it in pink with silver keys! I wanted the pink one but was too cheap to upgrade and now I’m stuck with boring black and boring black keys I’m either going to have to get a case for it or add some stickers!

I need to pass my driving test. Big Time. And I’m sure that my boyfriend will agree. I regularly get the bus to work, and although I wouldn’t call it a great bus service, It was pretty reliable. I would say in the last 2 months it has gone way way down and the prices up. Today was just another example of the bus not even turning up. The bus company don’t sent a replacement, don’t aplogise and still charge me. This resulted in me being fifty minutes late for work. Normally, they would have been really pissy about it. That office doesn’t seem to realise that there is life outside those four walls. Apparently, matters beyond control are frowned upon, and heaven forbid if you have a sick child. Not only are you harrassed every half an hour with an ‘update’ phone call. Your also expected to pay back any time off (other than actual sick – and even then they’d push for it if it wasn’t for the union!) – I can understand this for lateness, but not for special leave. Today however my manager is in a good mood. I still have to payback the time but she decided not to give me a ‘hardtime’. Gee Thanks.

What I find amusing is that all managers in my office are now having to reapply for their jobs. Coaches were also advised to apply but I quickly turned in the opposite direction. Management is not for me. At least not right now, and especially not for that company. So anyhow they have to go through a series of assessments, technical tests and role plays. I think some people will really be knocked down a peg or two.

What is best to do on a rainy, no money, no work (!), no boyfriend, no car weekend?